photo by J. Alan Paul Photography
This has been a crazy,busy,insane week. I’m tired.
When I’m tired I don’t like how I look. I looked at pictures this week and I hate how I look in them. Fat.
It’s not how I see myself in my head, and when I butt up on reality, it depresses me. How did I get this fat? When will I be normal again? What if I’m not normal again? How could anyone love me like this?
Depression is just a dirty little bastard that sneaks into my life when I least expect to see him.
I’m tired – and my defenses are down when I’m tired.
Yes, I know I’m rambling but I want you to see inside my head when I get this way. I can’t be the only one.
(I don’t usually show this side. I decided that if this journey was to be successful you had to see all of me. Here I am – just another side of me. The one that looks at the world with fat glasses on. You know — I think everyone sees me as fat first, then as Deb next. That I need to jump over hurdles to get you to see the real me, not just the fat me. )
I so admire your weight loss journey. Ron and I are butting up against reality but haven’t fully engaged. You inspire me. I too see things in a negative light when tired…I try to remember that when I reach for things that I know sap my energy, be it comfort food, inactivity, caffeine, or allow dehydration,or too much screen time.
For me I rarely see a persons weight first unless the person is obviously ill and it seems to be contributing to that…then I tend to feel concerned. I do think most folks notice a persons energy first and when that’s missing look closer. Mmm maybe that’s the tired /feeling fat link.
thank you Sara — it’s good to hear your words. Hi to Ron too!