Sunday Update: Alone

It’s winter.  It’s cold.  Damn cold here.  When it gets this cold, I go to work and I go home.  When I get home, I find something to eat.  Because I’ m bored.  Or I’m alone.  Or I don’t have anything to do  It is seldom because I’m hungry.

At least that’s my old pattern.

Being alone often contributes to being overweight.  For me, winter doesn’t help.  I’ve chosen to believe that I hate winter.  But these days I’m taking a close look at my belief systems.  Jean Eels told me once there’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.  I think she might be right.  If I had shoes that fit right and kept my feet warm, clothes that fit right, were warm enough and looked good and a hat that didn’t do major damage to my hair style I might like winter more.  My car is a humdinger and starts every time and gets me where I need to go.

So perhaps it’s not winter I hate, but the clothes and shoes I can’t find that do the trick.  Because the 20 pounds I’ve dropped has started to make me feel a little more comfortable in my skin.  I still have humoungous feet, and I can’t find women’s shoes – at least fashionable ones.  I gave up looking for boots that will keep my feet warm and my calves covered.  I do have winter boots though.  I can slog through the snow and cold.  There will be no fashion contests though.

So maybe, just maybe, I don’t hate winter so much.

Back to being alone.  Is that just a habit too?  Have I made winter a time of hibernation, a place where I go to get away from people and recharge?  Am  I really lonely, or am I recharging?  When you’re fat, you have to build up your tolerance to the ignorance around you.  You can only take the comments and sideways glances for so long.  You need to get away from them for awhile.  You need the time to learn to love yourself again.  Or time to bury the self hate until it bubbles up to the surface again.

I’m not a particularly lonely kind of person.  In fact, I have quite a few friends.  I do however, like to spend some time alone.  I do need time to recharge my batteries.  It’s different now though.  I’ve gotten rid of the food in my house that doesn’t serve my body well.  There’s no longer need for instant gratification to bury the hurt feelings.  Instead I’m looking the feelings in the face and asking ‘why am I letting you hurt me?’   I’m asking myself a lot of questions.  When I want to eat chocolate or candy or just junk I ask myself ‘what will it serve me now?’  Will it make me feel better for a long time?  Will being sick tomorrow be worth 5 minutes of gratification right now?  Will weight gain today make me happy tomorrow?  Most of the time the answer is no.  Planning to have a bite of birthday cake tomorrow is easier to handle than having twinkies this afternoon in a fit of anger.

Slowly, I’m adjusting to the food changes I’m making.  I’m cooking more.  I’m saying “no thank you, I eat wheat free.”  It’s not a big deal, I just eat wheat free.  My body likes it better.

It’s ok.  Being alone is ok.  Because I’m talking to myself about real things.  I’m not beating myself up, I’m learning about myself.  I’m learning to like myself.  Try it.  It’s ok.